Amá
Apá
I see both of you and I see myself
I see how your wisdom
is reflected in me like a mirror
When you look at me you see
your best and worst qualities
staring back at you in this
stubborn, rebellious,
loud mouth, determined
black sheep of a daughter
I am overflowing with the essence
of Natalia and Jose
Her gift with words
His determined work ethic
Her unshakeable conviction
His creative resourcefulness
Her attitude and sass
His humor and wit
All of it is also mine
All of it is also me
There is nothing about me
that you haven’t had a hand in creating
I hear how your words tell me:
Stop, cálmate, wait a minute, habla con Dios, take it easy mija
But I also how see how your eyes tell me:
Échale ganas, feel things, vuela mija, god is guiding you
and I listen more to your eyes than I do to your words
You see my gut has always told me your dirty little secret
That your eyes are where your hopes and dreams for me live
And your words are where your fears and worries for me live
Your words yell at me
Because you worry that you’ve created a monster
but your eyes…
your eyes are beaming at me
Because they are certain that you’ve created a warrior
We go through the motions of these disagreements as a formality
keeping the dance for parents and child alive
And in that dance I can see it
I can see your eyes betray your words
You can’t hide it from me
You are me and I am you
I know what you really want
because I know what I really want
You want to stop time for both our sakes
You want to keep me a baby just a little longer
You want me to stay where you can see me and keep me safe
But you also want more
more than what you thought was possible for you
more than what your parents and grandparents could have imagined
And we have the same heart
so I know what I have to do
when your words cry out in fear
and your eyes glimmer with hope
Our hearts are just not a place capable of storing lies. Only these truths can exist there:
1 – That you deferred your childhood so you made sure I had one
2 – You knew the world would not be kind so you raised me with faith and courage and fear and worry to keep me vigilant
3- we are monsters and every monster has to have a little warrior in them to be scary
4- we are warriors and every warrior has to have a little monster in them to be strong
Thanks to you the world is not ready for a woman as strong as me.
When I was born you cut the wings of your backs and gave them to me not knowing where in the world I would fly off to or when I would leave
You armed me for a journey into the unknown with an endless supply of bendiciones and burritos
You agreed to stay exactly where you are so I can always find you when I’ve lost my way knowing all the while that my words will forget to say thank you but my eyes will always be grateful
I’m going to fly despite all of our fears because my words promised your eyes I would
You crossed a border to give me this life and every day I ask myself what border do I need to cross to pay you back for that sacrifice?
Your eyes will see our dreams realized because where I fly, you fly That is what these wings are for